I’m not good at many things

I didn’t watch the Oscars, partially because I was kicking ass at darts at my favorite Sunday evening taco bar, partially because I don’t own a TV, and partially because I don’t watch many movies. I am not good at it. I know the only discipline it takes is to sit still and keep your eyes open, but that is a little challenging for me. I prefer talking, moving, sleeping, or just about anything else.

I did, however, manage to see The Artist and I loved it. I thought it was perfect. It is like that middle bite of a sandwich where all the ingredients meet in one, perfect bite. It is like being able to lay on the floor and listen to Neutral Milk Hotel’s In an Aeroplane Over the Sea from start to finish uninterrupted. It was like getting the “Bank Error, Recieve $20” card in Monopoly. It was really, really good is what I’m saying.

Now that it has won these awards…these so called “Oscars”, people are freaking out because the actors are French. Come on, America. We gave Adele ALL of the Grammy’s, and she’s British. BRITISH! You know who else is British? CHRIS MARTIN! Which automatically makes all British people scary and terrible. But French people on the other hand seem delightful in color or black and white. They tap dance and look excellent while smoking. Awards all around.  

That’s all I have to say about that.

So stop complaining (if you are. If not, still-) and enjoy this clip from For Your Consideration. Christopher Guest nails it, every time.


Things to do at a party besides drink

co-authored by:  Maddie Jager

For Christmas, I gave my parents a nice little memo (what, you don’t give Christmas memos too?) promising them six months of sobriety. I had a full class schedule, a job, and and an internship, so mom was concerned that I had too much on my plate to be “wasting” my time with alcohol. That, and I turned 21 and could procure alcohol at anytime. This presents its own problems.

So in these times of social interaction when alcohol is usually mandated, I have been forced to keep myself entertained with methods that don’t include mind-altering beverages. Here are some of the activities I have tried:

1. Do the dishes- I heard rumors that Bill Murray used to walk into college parties and do the dishes completely silently, then leave. People would be so stunned or in disbelief they wouldn’t think it was him. I believe this is the real story, but it still involved Bill Murray doing dishes at a party and therefore I feel like it is an appropriate activity in lieu of drinking.

2. Rearrange the furniture- Mad and I have done this on a few occasions, usually looking for lost things. However, had the hosts been more intoxicated they might have let us redo the whole room! Feng Shui for everyone!

3. Hi-jack the stereo- this is risky, I know. But if you aren’t drinking, you might as well use your super-sober powers to fight off drunkies who try to put on LMFAO.

4. Live Tweet- since you aren’t drunk, you avoid the embarrassing drunk tweets (not dissimilar to drunk texts). You are safe to tweet the night away, which is very possible since parties often offer plenty of material. Twit in priceless moments, hilarious things people slur, those accidental truths about life when someone has had a few, or what you are planning on changing the stereo to (see above.) As long as you keep it entertaining, live tweeting can be great. Then your friends can thank you tomorrow when you remind them of things they forgot…or maybe not.

5. Win money at cards-You’re sober, they’re drunk. Numbers are on your side, baby.

6. Rack up the favors by taking care of drunk people- Nobody likes that point in the night where someone dips out of the party to lose their cookies all over the toilet, floor, wall, bike rack, or host’s pillow. But when you are the one ralphing, it is always nice to have a decent caretaker. This can be you, sober friend! Your drunk friend will feel so bad in the morning (inevitable, I suppose) that you had to hold their hair/clean up after them/slap them out of a coma/call the hospital that you will pretty much earn yourself a new friend to call to pick you up in case your car breaks down, or someone to help you  move, or at least a free meal.

7. Implant Conspiracy Theories- Ever have that weird feeling where you can’t tell if something happened or if it was in a dream? When you are drunk, these lines become more blurred than ever, and recalling the events the next day can be a challenge. Why not give your friends/acquaintances/people you don’t like something interesting to remember in the morning? When you find yourself in a nice conversation with some people who are reasonably drunk, begin to spin your tales. Tell them about how we never landed on the moon in 1969, or how the Zodiac killer is still at large, or how the university is putting chemicals in the water to make the students stupid so they stay in school longer. Tailor these conspiracy theories to your settings, and be sure to make them as believable as possible. The next day, your friends may not be able to recall if you were joking, serious, or if they dreamt that after they bought something from McDonald’s a spy follows them to see if they can resist eating the fries in the car.

8. Concoct grand romantic schemes among party guests-It’s midnight: do you know where your libido is? Leave that to your sober friends to hook you up with the most attractive, eligible, and most important willing partner. Sober people, with great power comes great responsibility. Don’t cause drama or ruin relationships by taking advantage of drunk people, but don’t not have fun with it either. There is almost nothing–NOTHING I tell you–more fun than watching drunk people try to make moves on other drunk people.

9. Look good in pictures- Congrats! You are instantly the best looking person in all the pictures because by 11:30 your eyelids are not half closed.

10. Cry.

A list of linguistic embarrassments

I recently read a list called, “The 10 Most Embarrassing Things I Used to Believe” on The Awl. Now, inspired by my current favourite writier/blogger/drinker Alex Balk, I create my own variation on this list:

The 5 Most Embarrassing Phrases I Used to Use
or My Sister Was Right, I Sounded Like an Idiot.

5.Mmm yeah burritos, yeah
4. Oh for Petey has sakes.
3. Oh my Cow to Betsey (I still say this, actually)
2. Shucks my bucks
1. Maroon 5 will be the next Beatles.

Possible Scenarios for Blue Coat Lady in Which She Makes Sense

There really isn’t a whole lot one needs to know about Crazy Blue Protesting Lady as she is lovingly referred to by the UNL student population. She wears a blue coat, thinks technology and Obama are the devil, and hates the Chinese. CBPL also seems to like cold weather, since she is never outdoors when it is warm and nice out. Her blue coat, non-sensical flyers and strange rants on the Union Plaza have made her famous, if not infamous. She takes “hate preaching” a step further since she doesn’t just wave a Bible around that someone else wrote and translated for her thousands of years ago. No, not Blue Coat Lady. She writes this shit herself.

This is an example of one posters my friend (and contributing writer) Maddie Jager and I took from downtown. CBPL really loves lamp posts.

UNL has embraced CBPL as a part of our culture. In reality, of all the people who stake out on the plaza to spew words into the dissinterested ears of students who would rather be drinking, she is one of the less annoying ones. Her voice is a little whiney for my taste, but that’s a personal thing.

I can’t help but  love someone who feels this strongly about the safety of Lincoln college students, and really mankind in general. Maybe come December (12/21/12) we will learn that she knew something we all didn’t. But she probably hates the Mayans.

But here, I have considered a few reasons Crazy Blue Protesting Lady might actually be making sense:

– She is an alien from the Planet “America” which has recently learned that its sister colony “Earth America”  will suffer greatly from advances in technology and people from other colonies.

-She found these messages in the lining of her blue coat when she found it at GoodWill, and was convinced it was a sign from God that she must use the coat to become a beacon of truth.

-A fellow church member was seriously injured by a spontaneous combusting laptop. When the smoke cleared, the pieces of the laptop spelled out “communism.”

-She is right

-She is just kidding