If I’ve ever created a public perception of myself, I am surely about to change it now when I reveal to you, dear readers, a system I use daily. A system I have spent years cultivating to perfection. A system I give to you now:
Using a Public Restroom.
Using a public bathroom is probably the least enjoyable part of my day. Firstly, because going to the bathroom in general requires getting up from whatever I’m doing (eating/sleeping/watching BRAVO!) and it is always SUCH a bummer. But ultimately when you gotta take care of business, you probably have never thought to yourself, ” Boy I’m glad I’m at a TGI Friday’s instead of home!”
My constant woes of public toilet use over the years has led me to develop a method to ensure I am at maximum comfort level when the situation rises. Yes, it is true. My friends can use the bathroom, drink a Big Gulp, then go once more in the time it takes me to go once. And maybe that supersonic speed is desirable at, say, Disneyland where every moment you are in the bathroom is a moment wasted having THE MOST OVERPRICED FUN OF YOUR LIFE. But most of the time, I am 100% happy with my slower pace, so long as it ensures complete comfort and cleanliness.
Pee-Pee Department Protocol
Step 1: Gently push open the door
Don’t break the door down like you have something to prove to other bathroom goers. A nice gentle tap will suffice. This way, in the event of a faulty lock, you don’t ruin someone’s day and possibly your own. I’m sure most people have had the door sprung open on them when a little more privacy was preferable. My most traumatic experience came in kindergarten when I walked in on a girl who had not only completely disregarded to lock the door, but appeared to be forcing a large fruit from her rectum. We locked eyes. I’ve never been the same.
Moral of story: tap the door gently to be sure there is not a half dressed human on the other side.
Step 2: Scope the Surroundings
When I say surroundings, I am referring to the confines bathroom stall. Is the seat cover dry and a normal shade of color? Has anyone missed the toilet lately? Is the trash can overflowing with…womanly things? Remember, you are under no obligation to use this stall or even this restroom altogether. It is your right as a human to feel comfortable wherever you drop trou.
Step 3: Toilet Paper Check
Don’t march into battle with an empty canteen. Toilet paper is your most important weapon out on the field. It is your first line of defense against germs and potentially soggy underthings.
Step 4: Mental Notetaking
This part seems silly, but it is crucial to the picky bathroom user. As you lock yourself in the stall, decide if this is a restroom you would ever revisit. Floor length doors, coat hangers, and paper seat covers are things that will separate one stall from another. It is helpful, I find, to have these on file for future use.
Step 5: YOU MADE IT!
You can now let the magic happen. Enjoy it. You’ve earned it.
Step 6: Toilet Paper Restock
This is where I might start to sound obsessive (“Really? HERE?” you are probably thinking to yourself.) It is my personal philosophy as a human and former-Girl Scout that you should always leave a place nicer than you found it. In the case of toilet etiquette, I take tho mean–
Don’t be the bastard who uses the last of the toilet paper and doesn’t do anything about it. Turn the nob to refresh the roll; steal a roll from another stall; or at the very least warn the next person they are headed into no man’s land. Wouldn’t it be nice if we lived in a world where no one ran out of toilet paper EVER? I bet the North had more toilet paper than the South, and that’s probably a big reason they won. I can’t prove this, but it seems logical. A clean bum means a happy bum. A bum who will fight for his country and fellow man.
My final step is, once again, just a little public service announcement from yours truly.
WASH YOUR HANDS. Sure, this seems basic. But are you still not surprised if not disgusted when someone waltzes out of the bathroom without the care to wash afterwards? Who are these people? Have they merely forgotten to wash, or is it beneath them? You people disgust me. I probably look the way I do from giving so many non-hand washers mean looks until my face got stuck this way.
Well, I have reached the conclusion of another rant which I disguise has a how-to. I must leave you now because as life would have it, I am on my 4th cup of tea and need a bathroom break myself. And I better go now because I have somewhere to be in the next half hour.
Cheers from the Urination Station!