co-authored by: Maddie Jager
For Christmas, I gave my parents a nice little memo (what, you don’t give Christmas memos too?) promising them six months of sobriety. I hadn’t exactly been harvesting a drinking problem, but my mom was concerned that I had too much on my plate to be “wasting” my time with alcohol. That, and I turned 21 and could procure alcohol at anytime. This presents its own problems.
So in these times of social interaction when alcohol is usually mandated, I have been forced to keep myself entertained with methods that don’t include mind-altering beverages. Here are some of the activities I have tried:
1. Do the dishes- I heard rumors that Bill Murray used to walk into college parties and do the dishes completely silently, then leave. People would be so stunned or in disbelief they wouldn’t think it was him. I believe this is the real story, but it still involved Bill Murray doing dishes at a party and therefore I feel like it is an appropriate activity in lieu of drinking.
2. Rearrange the furniture- Mad and I have done this on a few occasions, usually looking for lost things. However, had the hosts been more intoxicated they might have let us redo the whole room! Feng Shui for everyone!
3. Hi-jack the stereo- this is risky, I know. But if you aren’t drinking, you might as well use your super-sober powers to fight off drunkies who try to put on LMFAO.
4. Live Tweet- since you aren’t drunk, you avoid the embarrassing drunk tweets (not dissimilar to drunk texts). You are safe to tweet the night away, which is very possible since parties often offer plenty of material. Twit in priceless moments, hilarious things people slur, those accidental truths about life when someone has had a few, or what you are planning on changing the stereo to (see above.) As long as you keep it entertaining, live tweeting can be great. Then your friends can thank you tomorrow when you remind them of things they forgot…or maybe not.
5. Win money at cards-You’re sober, they’re drunk. Numbers are on your side, baby.
6. Rack up the favors by taking care of drunk people- Nobody likes that point in the night where someone dips out of the party to lose their cookies all over the toilet, floor, wall, bike rack, or host’s pillow. But when you are the one ralphing, it is always nice to have a decent caretaker. This can be you, sober friend! Your drunk friend will feel so bad in the morning (inevitable, I suppose) that you had to hold their hair/clean up after them/slap them out of a coma/call the hospital that you will pretty much earn yourself a new friend to call to pick you up in case your car breaks down, or someone to help you move, or at least a free meal.
7. Implant Conspiracy Theories- Ever have that weird feeling where you can’t tell if something happened or if it was in a dream? When you are drunk, these lines become more blurred than ever, and recalling the events the next day can be a challenge. Why not give your friends/acquaintances/people you don’t like something interesting to remember in the morning? When you find yourself in a nice conversation with some people who are reasonably drunk, begin to spin your tales. Tell them about how we never landed on the moon in 1969, or how the Zodiac killer is still at large, or how the university is putting chemicals in the water to make the students stupid so they stay in school longer. Tailor these conspiracy theories to your settings, and be sure to make them as believable as possible. The next day, your friends may not be able to recall if you were joking, serious, or if they dreamt that after they bought something from McDonald’s a spy follows them to see if they can resist eating the fries in the car.
8. Concoct grand romantic schemes among party guests-It’s midnight: do you know where your libido is? Leave that to your sober friends to hook you up with the most attractive, eligible, and most important willing partner. Sober people, with great power comes great responsibility. Don’t cause drama or ruin relationships by taking advantage of drunk people, but don’t not have fun with it either. There is almost nothing–NOTHING I tell you–more fun than watching drunk people try to make moves on other drunk people.
9. Look good in pictures- Congrats! You are instantly the best looking person in all the pictures because by 11:30 your eyelids are not half closed.